


A Clock To Beat, A Hand To Choose

by stroopery



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:22:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23977399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stroopery/pseuds/stroopery
Summary: Sometimes, things are not black and white like in fiction.Sometimes, sad things happen, but no one is the bad guy.
Relationships: Matsumoto Jun/Sakurai Sho
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	A Clock To Beat, A Hand To Choose

**Author's Note:**

> Just something short to get me over the writing block I've been struggling with. As always, SJ makes a prime material for angst. 
> 
> Big thanks for Verdantspace for the beta-read and suggestion on the title. All remaining mistake, if any, is mine.  
> Title is from The Cab - Vegas Sky.

He finds it when Nana-chan accidently nudges the pile of _things_ as she sprints across the room and jumps to her favorite spot in the corner of the sofa. Sho sighs, watching as the pile crashes down to the floor and wonders if he ever will finish this spring cleaning that he started with a gusto this morning.

It is now 3pm and he has only managed to sort and clean one half of the livingroom. Having a 5 year-old that is full of energy and demands his attention every chance she gets probably makes his cleaning target too ambitious but Sho never really can say no to her. There are only the two of them now, with Sho already separated with his wife when Nana was still three. Sho understands, though it took him a while to – having a child turned to be hard for Mari, who has always been a bright, independent and ambitious woman with a strong will. She thought she could do it, believed that she would not be dragged down and held back by all the hurdles and responsibility of a new mother, but reality proved otherwise. It pained Sho to see her resenting her own child, to see her unable to make the connection with her baby. One night, after a long and emotional talk which include them raising their voices and the toddler crying loudly, after watching Mari struggle to comfort her baby and asked Sho to comfort her, after they cried and cried and said how much they care for each other but it was not enough, they agreed to separate.

Mari asked him if he wanted custody, and Sho could not understand how she could think that he did not want Nana. He hugged Nana close in his arms and there was a relieved expression on Mari’s face.

He watches Nana-chan now and he cannot say no to her whenever she demands his attention because he has not been with her enough when he is busy working. He is thankful now that the political season is over, that there is at least a month for him to take a breather, to be with Nana before the political dynamic picks up again and he has to think of his campaign, of his plans, of his voters.

He watches Nana-chan now, sighing as the braids he has spent a lot of time on this morning now is in loose disarray. He has half a mind to fix it, but decides to do it later, after Nana takes her afternoon bath because she will mess it up again anyway. At least she seems content to watch the animation on the television now, and he decides to use this short lull of the moment to tackle the pile that Nana has toppled down.

He finds the box under the piles of old takeaway menus and research documents. It is a pretty plain box, nondescript and unassuming and Sho absolutely has no recollection of what it is. He realizes that this corner of the room he has not really touched for a long time – the takeaway menus seem like relics from two years ago.

He opens the box, finding a small pile of papers that seems like letters, and picks one of them.

_Sho-san_ , the letter says, and the handwriting is something he recognizes right away even though he has not seen it for a long time. _Sho-san_ , the letter says, and just like that, Sho is transported back to ten years ago, to a handsome face with deep and kind eyes.

Sho met him in a group blind date which his friend dragged him to, as a substitute for another friend who suddenly had to cancel. He was there actually just to even up the number, but because he was there, he met Matsumoto Jun. Sho found himself clicking up with Jun right away, finding that though they are different in personality, it was comfortable and easy to talk to him. Needless to say, Sho did not get any potential relationship in the group date, but he did find a new friend.

If Sho thinks back to that time now, he thought his friendship with Jun flourished quickly, much to the amazement of his other friends. Jun was an aspiring chef and Sho himself a junior politician ready to move up the ladder. Their worlds did not cross at all but Sho thinks it was exactly what made their friendship work. Jun invited him to his kitchen, to his home and he would cook a few dishes that he was practicing and tried it on Sho, who would devour everything while telling him how his day went, testing out the campaign ideas he worked on to Jun as his soundboard.

Jun quickly became his world, in practically everything but romance. Sho was not blind, nor was he naïve, and he noticed the soft way Jun looked at him, the way Jun’s touch lingered, the way Jun stayed close, closer, his presence warm and comforting. In those moments Sho wanted to ask if what he thought was true, but at the same time, Sho was also afraid of the answer. Because what if Jun really looked at him in a romantic way?

Sho did not consider himself a homophobe, but at the same time, he never entertained the idea of him having a relationship with a man. His mind was full with thoughts on how to progress in his career, he had targets he wanted to achieve, he had a huge point to prove to his father. For him, the idea of romance is straightforward – of him falling for a woman who would build a comfortable family with him.

A relationship with a man, especially with how Japan viewed homosexuality, was not something he was prepared to do. He didn’t mind people who were in same sex relationships, he just never thought himself to be in one. It would only hurt his career and he was not prepared for that.

Yet, he couldn’t stay away from Jun. From his gentle laughter, his thoughtful gesture, his affection that he shared freely. Sho stayed, and sometimes, he stayed too close, unable to resist the pull of Jun’s gravity. As long as this, whatever this was between them, had no name, Sho figured that it would be safe.

But when one night, more than a year since they first met, as they settled on Jun’s old sofa with chilled beers in their hands, as Sho told a funny story of a misfortune that befell his coworker that day, Jun moved closer. The next thing Sho knew was a warm breath on his cheek and then Jun’s lips on his, gentle but firm.

It took him a while for Sho to come to his senses, because of how new this feeling was, how novel being kissed by a man was, and he found himself responding at the beginning. He caught himself in the next moment though, pushing Jun hard enough that he stumbled back. Sho could not remember what excuses he stammered out to a stunned Jun, only that he took a hasty leave from Jun’s home, a place that had been like a second home to him.

He entertained the idea of avoiding Jun for a while, but Sho, no matter how mortified he was, was not cruel. Jun was his friend and so when Jun texted him two days after the incident, asking to meet in a place that was not his house, Sho agreed.

And even though they talked, even though they agreed to forget about the ‘incident’ and go back to their normal relationship, things were anything but. They drifted apart, mostly due to Sho throwing himself headfirst to head the campaign for one of the senior politicians. Nino, their mutual friend, agonized about it and he made it known at least to Sho in every opportunity he had.

But Nino, Sho thought, did not understand. All his life, Sho’s ambition was to become a politician, one that was better than his own father, who had accomplished many things. Sho’s life was planned carefully, and he lived by the standard and expectation of what it took to achieve his ambition. And in such society that he lived in, still constrained and burdened by old values, having a husband would only hurt his chances.

No matter how he felt about Jun, having a romantic relationship with him was not something he could consider.

In the end, Jun left.

There was an opportunity in Kyoto, Jun said. A top chef in one of the Michelin-star restaurants agreed to his application to be a disciple, he’d be a fool not to go.

Sho watched him, then, feeling something in him missing. Don’t go, he wanted to say, but then again, wasn’t he the one who left first?

It was hard to keep in contact once they were apart. Life, eventually, moved on. Sho’s career progressed in leaps and bounds. He met people, fell in love, got his heart broken, again and again until he met Mari, more than two years after Jun left.

Mari, who, despite everything, ended up leaving him also. That not even Nana’s presence was enough to keep her here. In the end, Sho felt he was always left behind.

His hand quivers as he holds the old letters. He thought he has gotten rid of these, the series of letters that Jun sent once he moved to Kyoto. Sho has read them all, but he rarely wrote back.

The last letter that Jun wrote to him was nearly five years ago, not long after Nana was born.

_Sho-san_ , it says, in a familiar handwriting that causes an ache somewhere deep inside him. _Congratulations for your baby. Nino told me. She must be a cute one, I hope she will grow healthy and happy._

_Sho-san, it has been a long time since I heard from you. I don’t expect you to write back now, and this probably will be my last letter. I just want to say this to you._

_There was a period of time when I felt a lot of anger when I thought about you. About how you treated me. About how you pushed me away. About how you made me feel like I no longer matter. In my head, I made you up as a villain, this bad person that hurts me._

_I kept thinking why I still have these complicated feelings when I thought of you, when it was clear that you did not feel the same._

_The past year, however, I grew up. I know, what a surprise. I took on meditating one and a half years ago, and it helps me to assess a lot of things in my life, including my feelings to you._

_I realized that you are not the bad guy. And neither am I. I realized that sometimes sad, unfortunate things happen and no one is at fault. Maybe we both should’ve done more, but it does not make us a bad person. As adults, we live in boxes, constrained by the values and views that are shaped by our upbringing, by our communities, by the expectation placed upon us. Who am I to say that my views, my values, are better than those that you hold so firmly?_

_I realized that you are never the bad guy, and more than anything, I wish that you are still my friend. I look back to our time together with a lot of fondness. Your laughter, and your happiness when you ate the dishes that I prepared, will always be my treasured memory. I hope one day you would think of me that way too._

_If this should be the final time we talk, I hope when you read it, it eases whatever burden you may have when you remember me. I wish you nothing but happiness._

_Your friend,_

_Jun._

Sho feels his sight getting blurry with tears. He cannot remember why he did not reply to this letter. Was it because he was too much gone in the happiness and excitement that came with Nana’s birth? It is true that in those years, Jun was not in his mind much. After the happiness of having a new baby, he struggled with Mari’s discontentment of her role and her frustration of not being able to nurture a bond with Nana, struggled with taking care of Nana and juggled his responsibility at the office.

Now, though, he wished he reached out to Jun. How priceless it would be, to have a friend like Jun during those difficult times? Sure, he has Nino, he has his other friends, but none is like Jun. Jun said that there is no bad guy but Sho couldn’t help but feel like a rotten one.

In the midst of his messy livingroom, with boxes and papers and trinkets scattered around him, he wonders if it is not too late to reach out, to take the hand that Jun has offered him all those years ago, that Jun has always been offering him, if he cares to see, to understand.

He cannot help the tears that roll down his cheeks, and the way his throat tightens, but his heart – his heart is full and made. He will look for Jun. He will track him down. Nino might know where Jun is now – whether still in Kyoto or elsewhere. No matter, Sho will search him even to the ends of earth.

He has things he needs to say to Jun. He needs Jun to forgive him.

And it is not even about romance – Sho does not even dare to think that. He just wants Jun’s friendship back. He just wants Jun back, and he will try to redeem himself, working his way so that he earns the honor of being Jun’s friend again.

Small hands touch and cradle his face and when he opens his eyes, Nana’s face fills his vision. “Papa? Why are you sad?” she asks, a frown on her small, delicate face.

Sho shakes his head, quickly wiping his tears away. He cups her face, thumb stroking gently on her soft cheeks, his life, his treasure.

“ _Ne,_ Nana-chan? Do you want to go to Kyoto with Papa?”

*


End file.
